When evaluating potential U. S. Presidents, it’s always important to avoid making choices based on superficial or transitory qualities. That is why I put together this handy little graphic to help settle one of the most persistent issues of the upcoming election: Who has the most presidential hair: Newt or Mitt?

I mean seriously folks, how can you continue to debate tertiary considerations like moral character, policy position, political philosophy, consistency, trustworthiness, or experience while this primary consideration is still so hotly contested? Can we really risk the chance of having another Andrew Jackson or Martin Van Buren? I mean, whoever we pick could someday end up on our money, hair and all!

Speaking of hair, isn’t it about time we had a President with facial hair again? I mean it has been nearly 100 years since we had a president with a mustache (Taft, 1913) and almost 120 years since we had a president with a full beard (Harrison, 1893)! If the president had one, then maybe BYU would start allowing students to have them too.

Whichever candidate grows a beard before the election will get my vote. Even if it is Michelle Bachmann. That’s just how important this election is.

Nearly as important, I already have a pretty good idea of which actor would play Mitt Romney in the inevitable movie, should he win. But who would play Newt Gingrich if he wins?!

[All satire aside, isn’t it scary to think that a large number of citizens choose the candidate for whom they will vote based upon criteria not so different from this. If they bother to vote at all…]